The Publicans have a lot of nerve asking us for a "plan" and I am getting sick of being asked. Personally, my plan involves a Delorean, a Flux Capacitor and a few gigawatts of power. But I had nothing to do with the creation of this giant clusterfuck.
Bill Maher has some sage advice. First off, a new rule in two parts...A) You can't call yourself a "Think Tank" if all your ideas are stupid, and B) If you are someone from one of those "Think Tanks" that dreamed up the Iraq war and predicted we would be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, that the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in it's last throes; that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war...You have to STOP making predictions!!! You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time...husbands.
You know it's a shame what's happened to Think Tanks. They used to produce valuable apolitical analysis, but partisanship crept into many of them and the Bush administration doesn't just come up with something as stupid as 'if we leave now they'll follow us home. No, they have someone from a Think Tank say it first. It's a way to lend respectability, the same reason a titty-bar has food.
The Think Tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names, like The Heritage Foundation, and The Project for a New American Century...Whatever. they've been wrong so often I'm surprised they're not my broker. Richard Perle thought we caould win Iraq with forty thousand troops. Paul Wolfowiths predicted that in 2003 the grateful people of Baghdad would name some fine square in their great city after President Bush, and he was right when he said they would be waiving American flags...they were on fire.
William Kristol poo-pooed the fears that Sunnis and Shi'ites would be at each others throats as the stuff of pop-psychology. Right. And having your head chopped off is just a quick way to drop eleven pounds. Kristol of course is revered by much of the right because he was Dan Quayle's Chief of Staff and he was known as "Quayle's brain." Which sounded impressive until I remembered Dan Quayle didn't have a brain. And now Mr. Kristol proposed immediate military action against Iran, predicting the Iranians will thank us for it. Hey, you know what Nostradamus, why don't you sit this one out. We'll get by using the Magic 8-Ball for a while because you guys have been so wrong about so much for so long people are actually turning to the Democrats.
So we can say that Iraq was a "noble experiment" if that helps you. Our intention was good; to penetrate iraq and bring it to a glorious, euphoric climax. But it's clear now that's just not going to happen. And yet we're still pounding away, causign the whole area to become painfully enflamed. And in that situation the kindest thing you can do is just pull out.
The election is [three] days away. I'm through dicking around with you. Here are the talking points:
1. When they say the Democrats will raise taxes, you say we have to because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden. In just six years the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in. That's not even elementary economics, thats just called don't be Michael Jackson.
2. When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say "Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorists wet dream." He inflames radical hatred against America and then cuts and runs on offerign to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then offering to sell you relief from the flies.
3. When they say "cut and run" or "defeatocrat" you say "Bush lost the war. Period." All this nonsense about the violence is getting worse over there because they are trying to influence the election; No it's getting worse because you drew up the post-war plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebees. And of course Democrats want to win, but that's impossible now that you've ethnically cleansed the place by making it unlivable. Just like you did with New Orleans.
4. When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are denigrating the troops, You say "You are completely full of shit." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flack for sighing and moaning during that debate? yeah. Don't do that. Just say "You're full of shit." If I was a troop the support I would want back home would come in the form of people back home pressurign Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare. That's how I would feel supported.
So when they say Democrats are obstructionists, you say "You're welcome." Sometimes good people have to intercede to prevent dire consequences. You wouldn't like to think of me as an obstructionist, but what if Roseanne had offered to sing? So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the obstructionists and the enablers.
There is your "talking point." A vote for the Republicans is a vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor. A retarded child emperor, but an emperor. So Democrats you've got [three] days to get out there and close. And it's not about slogans this time. Although when it comes to slogans, the only one I'm prepared to accept from the opposition is "The Republican Party. We're Sorry."
We have 52 hours Dems, from the time this posts until the polls open Tuesday. Get out the vote!
